Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

😭😭😭😭

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*