My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
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DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan