My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
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Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
