My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
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[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.