Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

This is not me but this is me

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

😆

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes