Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

Support your local cemetery

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Nothing to do, you say?

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace