My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
You Might Also Like
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
“What movie?” 🤔
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
You can’t outrun your problems…
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
as is their right
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Hoping to spice up my evening
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.