Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

I’m aging like a fine banana

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

Does beer think about me too?

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.