my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
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When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Every haunted house movie:
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.