my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
#Caturday
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
me
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks