@itsPKav

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

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@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

@rickkondell

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

@AaronFullerton

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

@ericsshadow

[on a business trip to South Carolina]

Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.

“Welcome to the United States.”

@KeetPotato

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

@TheWeirdWorld

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

@Steven37366100

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

@michelleisawolf

This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.