Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

(Musicians.)

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.