Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

My love language is deader than Latin

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.