My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
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Breaking news:
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.