Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

orange cat behavior

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.