my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
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BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
