my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Brilliant!
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Thumbnail on my tv now says “TUBI: HOME OF SUPER BOWL LIX” and what must that look like to a generation who never learned Roman numerals
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.