my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
You Might Also Like
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?