Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

That’s enough internet for the day

We know he can swim but…

Print is alive and well!!!

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?