Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

Golf would be better with landmines.

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.