MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
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Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!