Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Ok cat haters, explain this…

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.