my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
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son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”