Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

The Sun

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

just got my engagement photos

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.