Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you had more money you’d be happier.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.