Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.