My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys