Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years: