My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
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Stonehinge
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
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