My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
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People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
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My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits