Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.