Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up