Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel this so hard

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

All right then, keep your secrets

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

what?

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end