Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

We’re all getting idioter.

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?