Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

🤣😈🤣

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.