My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
waiting for halloween be like:
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis