My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder