Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.