Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

I hope google does well on my son’s test

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

They also CAN sing✌️

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.