*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
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broke down and did it
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Friend: Please excuse her, she forgot to take her meds today.
Me, on the ceiling: Oh, like they can tell.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.