*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
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I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”