@BallsMcBallski

My boss: Are you on Twitter?

Me: I’ve never heard of it. Is it a drug? Why would you ask? Am I acting funny? Maybe you’re acting funny.

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@MizzTangles

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

@DurtMcHurtt

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

@MoneypennyNaked

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

@Eightinchgoat

I think I’m gonna shave my legs so that there’s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.

@MaraWritesStuff

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

@Baz_3000

I always read my wife’s Horoscope to see what kind of day I’M going to have.

@jimmytorosian

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

@gingerfaced

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not