Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
You Might Also Like
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Ironic
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
they split up moments later
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Pass gas, not judgment.