My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.