My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Bear knowledge
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.