Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Blocked: 1985

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.