Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

This kinda thing happens to me often

checking out some reviews of my local library

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

Ha