Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

asking santa clause for nudes

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.