Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Perfect

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

why does this building look like a guilty dog

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.