My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
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Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.