My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
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[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Just as the prophecy foretold
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank