Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!