My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
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good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Family Celebrity
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper