My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
This is enough internet for the day.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.