My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.