Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.