Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.