My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
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Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”