My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
I know
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned