My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
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*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Canadian owl: Eh?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband