My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
🙄😏😂🤣
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.