Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

I had to Stop for this

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game