My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.