My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Me, reading some of your tweets
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Pleading insanity in small claims court
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.