Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!

me: you know that’s not true, Patsy

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

reminder

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me