My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…