My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.