My boss called in sick of me
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The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
The Assassin.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on