My boss called in sick of me
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My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with