My boss called in sick of me
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
That’s fair
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday