“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My boss called in sick of me
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“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with “…and you can take THAT to the bank!”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!
Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.
Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond.
Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do
Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle
Step 2: Use base as weapon
Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok