My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
“I wouldn’t.”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Raisins are grape jerky.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit