My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me: how are you
Friday: good
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer