My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
You Might Also Like
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.