My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.