My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.