Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

what do you want!!!!!!!!

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.