Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music