Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

translated into Canadian

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.